Thursday, 28 October 2010

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Word has reached HQ that some of you readers out there have been missing my, er, missives. And that's nice to know: I'm already aware that both our local MP, Dononvan K Cheekbone (right) IX (JP, MC, MA, MSc [Deptford Poly]) and my old friend Gruesome P are big fans of my campaign to bring Nesco to to the party in Scretam, and do so love my writings. I'm afraid I've been touring the country with my 
KĊauau band.

It's good to have you join such esteemed company, and I hope you spread the word: knacker the carpark and build a bloody great big temporary mushroom - at least that's what that barely-concealed Malison Boung - head of the project for Dambeth and former Nescos *cough* 'consultant-or-something - keeps telling me. 

She really is a smashing girl (below), and doesn't deserve any of the criticism, or totally false allegations following her politely requesting Councillor Verygood get on her knees and "Kiss me where the sun don't shine" - in my opinion, a thoroughly enchanting prospect and clearly far more attractive than kissing her on the lips!

Anyway, I'm rambling again. I see there was a bit of a fishy episode that left the anti-Nesco campaign skating on thin ice the other week. I really must protest - like the pun?! What these silly buggers just don't understand is the value of a good, community hypermegamarket, and throwing ice all over it to make a point about some silly little crumbling ice palace or other just won't cut it.

The fact is the council are in the bag; Brother Cheatham tells me that they're home-and-hosed and that a little thing like 'Completely screwing up the project' won't affect things too much; he's definitely a winner! As for the misguided Verygood (right), she's walking a very fine line. In fact, I hear Brother Cheatham is soon going to start issuing a brand new circular to add to the soon-to-be-lamented and all-around smashing read, 'Dambethisgreatwithmeinchargesoshutit'. It'll be called 'Whyi'mrightandverygoodcangoswingfromarope', and I'm looking forward to seeing how popular it is, especially in Cllr Verygood's marginal ward, where I've assured Cheatham she's about as popular as the current Deputy PM is at a B&B in Hastings! 

One more thing; word has reached me that Nescos might not be as keen as Dambeth about the Magic Mushroom, but I still think it's worth doing, if only for the sight of all those silly cars having to park at Dambeth's local hypermegamarket! Irony indeed!


Monday, 11 October 2010

Something's a bit fishy

Well, here I am, sat on my porch atop a beautiful mound of Nesco value tinned spaghetti hoops, looking out at the angry mob, once more. It's a strange sight; I mean sometimes you've got to wonder quite what people expect these days.
Take that former Prime Minister, Brother Grin; great bloke, man of 'the people', but in the end what was he famous for? Invading France or somesuch. Look, the point i'm making is that like Brother Grin, you can try to court good publicity and high regard, or you can balls it up from the start; don't try to fight reality. I know where i'd rather be. Fail with panache, BC!

Tonight's post was thanks to Nesco's value savoury fish scraps. Best eaten off tarmac. Apparently.
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Thursday, 7 October 2010

I'm starting my own campaign!

I've just been reading the complaints from Nesco's parting Head of Bulldozers, who has complained that "The planning system is ridiculous; you have to ask people if you can build a hypermegamarket before you knock their bloody houses down!"

The smiling assassin
I have to agree with him: the planning system in this country is a disgrace! I mean, there go Nesco, SlainAndBury's and their kind, trying to revitalise communities with their unique brand of 'putting other shops out of business' and little things like 'consultation' get in the way. I call that unnecessary and overly bureaucratic.

In fact I'm starting my own campaign to introduce the kind of 'consultation' favoured by Dambeth Council officers. All you do is hand-pick some compliant types who you know are secretly a bit scared of you, and then shout 'Boo!' at them. Hey presto; putty in your hands. You get your shop, and they get to say thank you.

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Monday, 4 October 2010

Moan, moan, moan

News has reached me of yet another complaint that those mindless complainers at Scretam Ice Users group have decided to throw, this time in the direction of Dambeth's esteemed council officers.

A Dambeth Council Officer

They're alleging, apparently, that a local councillor was 'thrown out at a meeting of the Ice Users Group'. Look, the fact is that she was bound to be causing trouble. And the fact that one of the officers (pictured) was heard whispering down the phone to Gruesome P. Silverblade, Head of Community Engagement and Big Society for Nesco (also pictured - yes, he's got the eye patch; poked it out when trying to open a packet of Nesco Value bog roll), has nothing to do with the result that Councillor Verygood was frogmarched out of the building and told to apologise to Sir Very Dripdry (pictured), Chief Shelf Stacker of Nesco.

Don't you just love the parrot?

What makes me angry is the injustice of a bunch of these people making life difficult for a bunch of troublemakers community-minded philanthropic multi-millionaires and property developers: making money isn't a dirty thing, and there most certainly nothing wrong in influencing local councils like Dambeth for the good, especially when it's Nesco's version of good.
"Polyester is my very favourite"; Sir Very Dripdry

Besides which, local authorities don't actually do much anyway, do they? In fact, I hear there's a nice site for a Nesco MiniMegaMart on the current site of Dambeth Town Hall in Trixton.

Bye all!