Thursday, 30 September 2010

La crise dans Trixton - c'est tout merde!

Salut, and scuse my French! Just been doing a bit of lingua Franca and all that. 

It's got rather nasty, hence the merde! The radicals of Trixton have decided that they don't like the idea of a giant wobbly mushroom perched on top of their precious, unused car-park, and are throwing their toys out of the pram.

My spies tell me that they took the action because the plans being professionally executed by Dambeth Council - loyally and self-sacrificially carried out under orders from Gruesome P. Silverblade, means that they lose a car-park that isn't even a car-park!

And now they're demanding that some new car-parking space be created so that people can lug a half-a-kilo of carrots home from the market. Hardly sustainable is it?

The solution? Easy! Some of the highly (and rightly so!) and well remunerated (and I might add, entirely polite!) officers at Dambeth have suggested an alternative to this silly market nonsense: Dig for Victory!

It's simple: get everyone to grow their own fruit and veg, just like in wartime Britain, and hey presto, no need for a market! After all, it's more sustainable, reduces traffic pollution, removes the need for all those stalls cluttering up a perfectly developable part of Trixton.

And yes, we can even grow mushrooms - giant, wobbly ones if you like: did you know they're fed on shit and kept in the dark? Sounds familiar!

Anyway, au revoir, and see you down Trixton: I'll be with Gruesome P. and Brother Cheetham measuring up that wretched cinema for a much-needed Nesco valuecornershop!

Friday, 24 September 2010

How to convince the doubting punters - Part Tres: Market yourselves properly

"Yep, uh, hu, yeah. Right. Ok. Ignore them you say? But what if...".

Sorry about that. Didn't realise you were there. Just been on the phone to Brother Cheatham again. Apparently he's not happy about the Trixton Market Traders Collective opposing the 'temporary' ice rink being carted down here. Something about car-parking, selling stuff, business suffering. All a lot of ill-founded nonsense so BC says Gruesome P Silverblade told him.

And I believe him. Look, the facts are, it's going to do you good having this marvellous community facility here: Scretam benefits because it's less busy; think of all those people who won't be coming to the place and cluttering it up with their big sticks and tutus. And Trixton - think of it: Ice hockey is a particularly bulky sport; you need a big bag for all that gear. So when they're waiting between quarters or whatever - during a particularly dull match or a fight - they can come over and fill those great big bags with fruit and veg; save it all going rotten at the end of a day. That's what Gruesome P Silverblade from Nesco's keeps saying; "Look, you should all shop at Nesco's anyway (big car park in case you didn't know), the fruit and veg is much more standardised, coated in plastic and sprayed with clear nail varnish to make it look shiny. It's a community thing!"

That leads me to another idea I had earlier: look, what's the point in building that 'temporary' rink in Trixton, then having to waste all that time building a new rink in Scretam for a load of zombie ice hockey clubs (they will be by then anyway)? It's just a waste of everyone's money, Nesco's at least, so how's about we build a retractable Ice Rink on the car park at Nesco's Hypermegamarket just down the road in.....Trixton!

I don't think this has been given enough thought. In fact I think it could just work. Watch this space...

Oh and, I'm glad to hear that our local MP, Dononvan K Cheekbone (right) IX (JP, MC, MA, MSc [Deptford Poly]) (pictured) is so supportive of Nesco's 'temporary' magic mushroom in Trixton that he's issued a statement of support, which can be read on his website:

You can always read more on this by heading off to Facebook

Thursday, 23 September 2010

How to convince the doubting punters - Part Deux: divide and conquer.

Just been off the blower to Brother C. Carson Cheatham (pictured below), the ubiquitous leader of Dambeth Council.

In fact, I like to think he's taken a leaf out of Big Brother's big book of being ever present. It's mainly because his picture adorns all sorts of publications and paraphernalia that find there way through my Dambeth door with regular abandon, but I hear that after Dambeth Life and the new Up Your Crack, Scretam (I hear Trixton's version is adorned with the word 'pipe' as an addendum) - the latest thrice yearly free shit sheet being published by the PR department - a TV channel of non-stop positivity by Brother Cheatham is in the offing, with a giant jumbotron atop Dambeth Council's HQ. Nice: proactive PR. I like it.

Anyway, I digress. According to Brother Cheatham's missionary team, the Ice Rink Users Group in Scretam are dead chuffed with the temporary-rink-balanced-atop-the-car-park idea in Trixton, or 'fully functioning coffin containing the future of skating in Scretam', as I believe it's been named in certain quarters; what would they know? Apparently the group love it, want it built now, and in fact wouldn't mind if it stayed there. And that's all that matters, given that they are the consultees chosen to approve the project so Nesco's can trouser all the cash.

At a meeting of the Greengrocers Users Group in Trixton last night, a packed meeting of three suspiciously untrusting individuals dressed in disguise heard that all is well with the project, and that it'll all be built in a couple of weeks.

It's great to see that spin and bullshit has been set aside by Dambeth's talented and self-effacing Officers to produce the right results for the people of Lambeth Council, lest I fail to remind you, Nesco Hypermegamarket, the saviours of Scretam High Road.

In fact, I heard that last night they said 'please' before they demanded those attending to kiss their arses. Real progress indeed!

Anyway, good to see the project's coming along so well.

Don't forget to keep updated - I'll give you some more news soon. In the meanwhile, updates are on the Facebook page as usual. Nesco can be found at their website

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

How to convince the doubting punters - Part Un

I've just had Gruesome P. Silverblade, Head of Community Engagement and Big Society for Nesco, on the phone, and he told me about the meeting hosted yesterday evening by Dambeth Council in the local VD Clinic of the Scretam Ice Users Group (the select band who have been selected to approve the go-ahead car-park-cum-ice-rink in Trixton) at the conveniently arranged time of 18:00.

Dambeth Council officers showed the plans for the site in detail, with A4-sized plans presented to a gawping group, until of course they realised that the matchboxed sized plans weren't actually the real thing, but a plan, which will be followed to the letter. Oh yes, it certainly will. And you'll be back in 2-20 years. Ok, so the Redskins and co probably would have folded by then, but sod it; it'll look nice next to the new three-story Nesco's Cereal Aisle.

In fact, Gruesome himself told us:

"Avast ye! Nesco Hypermegamarket have done this mob of oddballs a big favour. I mean, we're working closely with the local community on these plans to deliver the best outcome for our shareholders. And why on Earth would you want to stay in a dilapidated, dirty, dank old ice rink, clearly owned by a landlord who doesn't give two shits? Wouldn't you rather be in a temporary, but modern rink, even if it will be balancing on top of the car park like a mushroom?" (when I reminded him that he'd forgotten that Nesco's were in fact the landlords of the current Ice Rink, he went a strange colour of puce and asked me to get him a good employment lawyer).

But anyway, back to the meeting. Officers from the Council were there to explain how if the the Ice Users Group didn't approve these plans, then Nescos would fuck off elsewhere and then we could do something useful with the site, like not build a supermarket. Guilt trip over, the response was audible relief and at that point the meeting closed due to the Officers having to get home for their tea.

I hope to being you more news soon. For more on this, head off to this site

Hone Heke

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Nesco Hypermegamarket are Coming to Town!

Good to finally get my blog off the ground. I'm hoping people won't be too put off by the name. It's just my idea of a little joke

I'm here to give a balanced view on the development down Scretam High Road for a start. No spin, no bullshit, just the facts.

I know there are people opposed to the idea that the Council has of moving the Ice Rink to the car-park and hoping no-one notices they've got a load of skaters trying to ice dance on the concrete (I guess they'll use rollerskates - right? Like Boogie Nights. God, I love that film, but I hope the results aren't the same. Too much sweat and jism for my liking), but it all seems completely sane to me. And that's the subject of this first 'Doublespeak'.

I've invited Brother C. Carson Cheatham (left), leader of Dambeth Council, to explain a little more, and we've got this exclusive piece written by the good burghurs of Nesco Hypermegamarket, on behalf of Brother Cheatham, to explain how the Ice Rink will be knocked down and a big supermarket built in its place. Nesco, sorry, I mean Dambeth Council, has been keen to point out that the original plans have not changed at all and everything will be going ahead as was originally agreed when Ken Livingstone commended Dambeth Council and Nesco Hypermegamarket on their terrific plans for the community!

Two steps further towards Scretam Hub!

Work could start early next year on  the multi-million pound scam that will regenerate Nesco Hypermegamarket's massive profit margin.

Nesco Hypermegamarket, who are dutifully ensuring that the local community are at the heart of the plans to 'pile em high and sell em cheap', expect to continue full steam ahead with the plans they submitted in December 2008.

The scheme entails dumping the Ice Rink atop a concrete car park down a back road in nearby Trixton, meaning that there will be no problem with parking space, except on the top floor where the rink will be precariously balanced.

In addition, Nesco Hypermegamarket have also submitted further plans to flatten the rest of Scretam to build an enlarged discount wines and spirits aisle.

Dambeth Planning will be undertaking 'consultation' with select groups of individuals who agree with the application as part of the planning process.

Gruesome P. Silverblade (below), who is Head of Community Engagement and Big Society for Nesco, said "We're really pleased at the level of excitement in Scretam for our plans. The community have embraced our socially driven, community focused, Big Society centred approach to engagement with all our stakeholders, and that's just lovely. Yo ho ho!

"This is a priority scheme for Nesco's, and we're delivering exactly what the Mayor asked for, and precisely what I told Brother Cheatham we wanted. I hope you all enjoy the terrific discount brands we'll have on sale soon!"

You can find out more about the scheme on the Nesco Megamarket website or by emailing Brother C. Carson Cheatham at Dambeth Council.